I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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