I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
