every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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