Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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