Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
