i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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