he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
