he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize