when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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