dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
time to smoke my breakfast
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
