i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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