Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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