Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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