Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
