Where are you?
In a non slutty way
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
We had to coat check the pizza.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
