jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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