Just fell off a train. Bad.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
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This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
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I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
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