there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
