i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
