I could make wine with my vomit
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize