Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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