It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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