So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
