Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
