Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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