Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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