Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
