thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
