Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
