Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Randomize
