Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
