When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize
