dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
my nose is crying tears of wow.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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