Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
