She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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