remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I know her cup size but not her name....
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
