Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
