I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
