I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
