We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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