I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
