Christians are straight up FREAKS
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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