I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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