I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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