How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
