I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
