I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
