This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
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Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
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He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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