shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
