my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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