She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize