I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
