i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
