its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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