Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
