I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
