Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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