I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
