Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Randomize
