Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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